When I started dating my abuser, I was a well-educated woman with a Master’s degree in counseling. It might sound surprising, but even with my background, the concept of gaslighting was something I hadn’t deeply explored. During that relationship, while pursuing another degree, I found myself experiencing gaslighting firsthand, without even recognizing it as the damaging manipulation tactic it is. If anyone should have been aware of gaslighting, it was me – a therapist-in-training living right in the middle of it.
This isn’t a criticism of my education or personal failings, but rather highlights a broader lack of public awareness about gaslighting. When I sought to understand it better, I discovered plenty of theoretical explanations, but few personal stories from survivors who had actually lived through it.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, a tactic designed to make you question your own sanity and perception of reality. The person using gaslighting aims to control you mentally and emotionally by distorting your understanding of events and interactions.
In a gaslighting dynamic, your feelings and concerns are consistently dismissed and invalidated. When you approach your partner about something that bothers you, the conversation will immediately shift to deflect blame. They will block, distract, undermine, divert, and ultimately blame you for their behavior – using any tactic to avoid taking responsibility or admitting any fault.
Real-Life Examples of Gaslighting in Relationships
Let me share a couple of personal examples to illustrate how gaslighting can manifest in a relationship.
One night, I was asleep when my boyfriend woke me to ask if he could borrow my car to help a friend. I agreed, and later woke up again when he returned.
The next day, while he was using his phone to choose a show on Netflix, I inadvertently saw a text message revealing that the “friend in need” was actually another woman – he had been unfaithful the night before.
“Look, I just feel so suffocated by you lately,” were his first words when he saw that I had seen the message. After some back and forth, incredibly, the conversation ended with me apologizing. I found myself saying, “I’m so sorry that I made you feel so unhappy here that you needed that as an outlet. You didn’t do it to hurt me; it’s okay.”
Looking back, there were countless instances where he acted in ways that were hurtful or controlling, but I excused them because gaslighting is incredibly powerful in distorting your perception.
On another occasion, he abandoned our group of friends, including me, at a party, claiming he needed fresh air. We later discovered through Snapchat that he had gone to another party at a different girl’s house. After ignoring our calls for hours, he finally came to pick us up, speeding and getting a ticket in the process. Yet, in the car, he demanded silence because the speeding ticket was stressing him out, and blamed us for “not telling him what time to be back.”
I never even confronted him about the party he left us for. I was too preoccupied with managing his emotions and preventing him from getting angry in front of our friends. When a male friend tried to hug me goodbye as we got out of the car, concerned about my well-being, I immediately recoiled and said, “Please don’t – it’ll make my boyfriend mad.”
Later that night, I received a text message from that same concerned friend: “Why are you afraid of him? Tell me right now why you’re afraid of him.”
I never answered that question directly, because I knew that my partner’s anger would be even worse if other people intervened or became aware of his behavior.
Over time, my partner had conditioned me to believe that I was the cause of his every angry outburst, every tense moment, every little thing that upset him.
When you are subjected to gaslighting, you exist in a constant state of fear. I started to believe that my very being was a burden, and I constantly monitored myself and my surroundings to preemptively manage his moods and prevent his anger.
Once, while watching a movie with friends at my place, he demanded that I get up and make him a drink. One of our friends challenged him, suggesting he make it himself. He retorted, “[Why? She’ll do anything I say].” Later that night, I overheard that same friend confronting him, saying, “you’re emotionally abusive.” I dismissed it when she repeated the story to me directly. He had manipulated me into trusting him more than friends I had known for years.
What I desperately wish I had known about gaslighting from the beginning is that none of these behaviors are normal or acceptable in a healthy relationship. They should never be rationalized or excused.
Gaslighting doesn’t just damage your relationship with your partner; it poisons all your relationships. For over a year, I doubted the validity of my own feelings. I questioned my memory of past events and conversations, constantly apologizing even when I was not at fault, and endlessly making excuses for my partner’s behavior. When excuses weren’t enough, I isolated myself from my loved ones.
I wish I had realized, from the moment I met him, that even though I felt lost, another person could not “fix” me or do the necessary personal growth work for me. I wish I had known that my feelings are always valid simply because they are what I am feeling. If I express sadness, joy, or misery, no one has the right to invalidate those feelings, tell me I’m crazy, or silence me. I wish I had understood that raising a concern should lead to a constructive conversation where my perspective is respected, not a volatile argument that deflects to blaming me for unrelated issues.
Gaslighting is like a dense fog. It disorients and creates an illusion. Explaining how to navigate it in theory is one thing, but when you are lost in it, and surrounded by voices offering guidance from the outside, it can be hard to trust your own instincts and recognize the manipulation. Guilt is unproductive here. It will keep you trapped, stuck in cycles of self-doubt and second-guessing.
I want to emphasize: being gaslighted is never your fault. Despite my education and training, it happened to me. I failed to recognize the signs. If these stories resonate with you, you might be experiencing gaslighting right now. The most crucial step is to acknowledge it and seek support – your “tools” for escape. This support could come from family, a therapist, a trusted mentor – anyone who can provide clarity and validation. Find your source of “oxygen.” Clear your head and heart from the manipulative fog. Shame and guilt might make you hesitant to discuss your experience, but there is a far better reality than living under the suffocating weight of manipulation, and that reality is genuine love and respect.
If you or someone you know is experiencing this form of emotional manipulation, please explore the available resources to find help from trained professionals. Just as a car needs the right tools for maintenance and safety, women also need the right tools – awareness, support, and self-belief – to navigate relationships and recognize when they are being manipulated. These are the essential “tools” women need, not just “when they’re in a car,” but in all aspects of their lives to ensure their emotional well-being and safety.
